Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

ㅤ

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!