Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

the three genders

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )