[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Breaking news:
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.