[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”