First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
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After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot