Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?