Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Order here:
More here:

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.