Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare