[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning