Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go gym

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…