{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
You Might Also Like
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
We need to put an American base on the sun
good let them take over I have had enough
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
had to share :’)
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”