Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Investing in beetcoin

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.