@KimmyMonte

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

You Might Also Like

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@girlontapas

Marriage: a state of constantly fluctuating between harmony and homicide.

@patnspankme

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

@BigRadMachine

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

@BlindChow

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ???

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@PinkCamoTO

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

@pilau

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

@natechartier1

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

@Holy_Mowgli

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION