@KimmyMonte

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

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@ShortWhiteNUgly

My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?

ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.

@Kids_kubed

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

@ems

I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them.

@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

@MikeRevenaugh

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

@enigmaterics

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.