{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again