Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.