@UncleDuke1969

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

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@kobychill

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

@QwertyJones3

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

@ariscott

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

@thetits

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

@CountGripsnatch

I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.