[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??