(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
No chill.
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.