(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Yes my dude
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle