(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Eating for two.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
6: are snakes just neck?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.