Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Chicken bread

Me if I was a dog

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Never let them know your next move 😂

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”