This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
awesome draft from months ago i just found
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
New menu item
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.