Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

Me :

All Day At Night

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

No chill.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

just make the entire table out of coaster

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice