Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like even faster food.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Frankenstein?

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.