First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
We avoided this particular disaster
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet