First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Not with that attitude
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.