First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Voodoo map
umm…
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.