First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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no refunds
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Brb my Sims are getting married
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.