First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
iPhone X
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.