first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
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Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?