Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!