Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.