Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

buying dead houseplants to save time

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!