*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You Might Also Like
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*