[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Velcrow
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.