[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Welcome
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
when someone rings the doorbell
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”