“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
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Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
10: I think I want to run the 10k
Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
