first you must answer his riddles
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
The booster protects against what, now?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.