first you must answer his riddles
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catch me on valentine’s day like
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.