first you must answer his riddles
You Might Also Like
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Mad Max: Furry Road
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
honestly, i need both:
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.