first you must answer his riddles
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
