Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it