Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person