Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.