Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

They’re the worst 😩

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”