Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

[shakes fist at other fist]

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.