Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??