Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.