Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

Not😆🤣

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late