Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”