Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity