Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
what’s in a name?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE