Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
at ease…shoulder.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit