Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.