Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Awesome parenting 😂

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Bit chilly again tonight.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.