Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
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unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.