Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

These aren’t even hard anymore.