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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”