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Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.