@reallifemommy3
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isnโt wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
@iamspacegirl
FISHING TRIP
Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.Jesus *runs across the lake crying*
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@reallifemommy3
@LeahTiscione
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
@ThirtyYearOld
Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.
@ForeverHairy
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
@Home_Halfway
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
@Fred_Delicious
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
@ShootyDoody
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
@LeahsLounge
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
@Mom_Overboard
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
@deegeemindi
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.