sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
You Might Also Like
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
i prefer mine room temperature.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
peep davidson
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable