@iamspacegirl

FISHING TRIP

Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.

Jesus *runs across the lake crying*

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Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isnโ€™t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

@LeahTiscione

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

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Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.

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When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@Fred_Delicious

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.