Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
Jesus *runs across the lake crying*
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.