Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.