Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.