Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.