Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
