Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
@ candidates for local office
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.