Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
i really liked this one
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*