Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

181.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Air pods looking like an angry frog

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.