Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.