Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics