Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably