Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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Mhm.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”
“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
😂😂😂
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
at ease…shoulder.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.