Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
This bar smells like my childhood.
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that