Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
#TopTip
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…