@Donna_McCoy

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

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@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@_sashayed

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

@Not_From_Troy

The girl in front of me sped up so I did too. She started to run, just like me. Then she yelled for help, me too. I wonder what we fled from

@CastAwayKristen

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

@lindsaymills

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

@JohnLyonTweets

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

@ch000ch

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

@ibid78

Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?