Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I beg your pardon?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.