Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Hard not to take this personally

PARKOUR

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

Spring of Deception

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

roses are red
i fall when i skate

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.